Sometimes one writes a post meant for a very specific group of people or person.  I have to admit, most of my LJ posts have been written for my LJ friends to read.  That was the whole reason I got one in the first place -- so I could interact with you guys and connect in a special means.  It was good for awhile.  But after I decided to stay home, well, things didn't go quite so well, did they?  And when I tried to pretend that some of you didn't read my posts anymore, everything in my life just got worse.  I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I didn't mean to lose friends.  People mean the world to me, but I've been totally selfish for the past 6 months or so, and I think I've screwed up big-time.  Out of the LJ friends I still have, I think only one of you actually still wants to be my friend, and our contact is supersporatic and weird. 

I used to brag about how I am good at avoiding drama.  But lately I think I've been creating it.
I'm sorry.

So I'm going to stop being stupid. 

I'm not closing down my LJ.  For some weird reason, I feel like keeping it.  But! I will not be posting the same kind of posts I have been.  The kind where people assume things are written about them, the kind where I'm bitter or emotional or angry because of a certain situation.  The kind that you guys don't need to read.  The kind I should keep to myself.

I know that I've really fucked things up. 
I'm not sure how to right them, but I think this is a beginning.
(If there's anything else I can do, please let me know.)

Love.

I want to be a woman of integrity. 

New Tim Burton/Johnny Depp/Helena Bonham Carter movie comes out Dec 21st.
W00t.
Guess who's going to see Sweeny Todd?*raises hand*
(Johnny Depp has sideburns!)

So my family has officially upgraded our internet and also gotten wireless.  (We just have to kinda figure out how to hook it all up...which has been/will continue to be fun, as none of us have much of a clue about modern technology! ... Maybe (maybe) I'll be on by next week?  Haha)  Anyways, I be online lots, so you talk to me.  None of this complaining how you guys never know who I am or what I'm doing or what my posts mean anymore, okay?  If you have questions, ASK.  =)  We be friends, again!  Yay!

Kristen's To Do Before I Die List # 37:  see Nightwish live.

check!

Going to this show was quite possibly the best thing I have ever done.  =)

I know how to wear the costume.  I know how to wear the mask
I even like the feel of having to ask --
I like the sound of your whistle.  I like the way you wear your grin.
I even like the taste of my will caving in --

This is such a sweet collaboration
You've got the power & I got the shame
Funny thing is we both want somebody to blame

I'm not a junkie

...for your love


[[So I've yet to hear the song.  But I like these lyrics.]]

So.  One of my friends' grandmothers told me I'm retarded (yes, that's the word she used) for not going back to TFC to finish up. 

I hate thinking I mean more to someone than I actually do.  Reality bites again.  Ouch.

I guess it wasn't the same for you and me.

I suddenly feel horrible for everything I must've caused him to go through.  I now know what it feels like. 

I am haunted by questions, thoughts, poems.  I find that what I felt and wrote my freshman year apply to how I feel and the circumstances I am in now.  A lot of things about life don't make sense anymore.  Longing for things forbidden, looking to the past for answers that don't exist, searching the future for guidance and hope that isn't there. 

I finally realized how much I failed.  I still fail.  Constantly.  It took me a long time to know this.  I know I make mistakes, I always have.  But I usually just made things better.  But not this time.  This time I failed.  And I didn't make it better.

Someday, oh someday.  Maybe.  Maybe someday.
...I doubt it.

It took me 21 years to find a group of people I felt I truly belonged to.  And after just one year, I belong no more. 

Maybe I'm actually walking around on my head.

And he still dances around in mine.

Why didn't I speak up in Sunday School this morning?  We were having this discussion and I disagreed with everyone and they even said, "Kristen do you want to say anything?"  And I said, "uhh... no."  Why?  Why am I so silent about something I feel so strongly about? 

We sang this hymn in church this morning, and I cried on the inside:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

I need to fall in love again.  I'm not sure I know how. 

There's a fine line between being blasphemous and being right.  And what's so wrong with being creative?  Maybe it really does mean something to her.  You don't know anything.  Don't judge.  I can't believe I'm defending her.  Gosh.

God feels so distant.  I'm not even sure how he got so far away.  In Indonesia, he was all I had.  He was right there, through everything.  I came back, my life fell apart, and suddenly, I don't need him anymore. 

I guess if I get really desperate, there are always the creepy old men who wink at me when they come in to Sheetz. 

-----
This is a tangent I started a few posts ago.  But I only got the first sentence out last time.  Now there's more:

Church is empty.  I hate Christianity.  The people at my church drive me nuts.  They talk about unity and about love.  Everyone's concerned.  We need to be more unified.  We need to love others.  But when it comes to sinners, oh no, we can't love them.  We have to protect our children.  We have to make sure we don't catch what they have.  We have to make sure we don't aid their sin.  But they're gonna sin anyway!  Why not at least be an influence in their life???  We talk about salvation, but do we even know what we're saving them from?  Why is the focus always on after we die?  What about here and now?  People live in hell everyday.  And we do nothing to help them.  I'm sorry you got raped.  Now here's a tract.  I'm sorry you have cancer.  Repeat this worthless prayer after me and all will be well!  Bullshit.  I'm sick of it.  I want nothing to do with it.  I want to help people who need help now.  Whether or not they "get saved."  Not everyone is going to love Jesus.  That's just how it is.  We should love others, even if there is no ground made for them becoming a Christian.

Okay, I think I'm done now.  That's enough random, vague thoughts for the night.

I feel like a broken toy in a repair shop that got pushed to the back and forgotten about. 

I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
Though I've surely tried to turn it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe in
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close

I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something to believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

i miss you.

I feel like I'm starting a new life.  And I guess in a way I am. 


Well I was right.  About everything, except the "life will be hell" part.  Honestly, life is great.  I have found a freedom that I haven't had since high school.  I've found a new confidence.  It's like everything God taught me through my relationship with Dan and my friendships with Rach, the Dark Boys, and other random cool people at TFC has finally manifested itself in my life.  It's like I finally "get it."  It's so amazing.  I'm just sad that such huge changes had to occur in my life for me to understand.  But I guess all is for the best.

I did my Indonesia presentation at my church Sunday morning.  I was so freaking nervous.  I didn't have any notes, I had finished putting the pictures in powerpoint at 8am that morning, and was a complete wreck.  I was so unprepared... but it went amazingly well.  Everyone said I did a great job and people were even crying at the end (or else everyone had to blow their nose at the same time).  I told everyone about "my future" and no one's said anything negative about me staying home yet.  Sooo.... that's a good thing.  Even my grandparents don't seem to mind that I'm not going back.  They're glad to have me here.  (They both think they are going to die soon.  I'm hoping they stick around til I get married.  But that's going to be awhile.)

I'm tired of waiting around to live my life.  And so I'm going to do something with it now.  My church has decided to call an associate pastor for youth and outreach.  And I'm super super excited.  My church needs tons and tons of help, and I'm going to help it.  I have no idea who the Willowby's are or what they're like but I've already decided I like them.  They answered my church's call with "Well, we've decided to stop fighting God about this and come."  I'm hoping to work with them some and get some stuff going for my church and help my church grow into what it should and can be. 

I bought lots of cool books yesterday including one called "The Church In Emerging Culture."  It makes me happy.  I've been casually talking to my mom about The Emerging Church lately, trying to explain things to her.  I'm not very articulate though, so I don't think she really gets it and just thinks I'm doing something weird with my life again.  I'm hoping that I can make her see where I'm coming from a lot of times, because we have two extremely different views when it comes to Christianity.  I'm also hoping I can understand where she's coming from and learn from her as well. 

Sheetz is keeping me really busy, giving me 30-40 hours a week.  And of course I get paid super-well.  I'm thinking I should start looking for a car, because I can afford one now.  I've already updated my wardrobe and I can't wait to get rid of all the clothes I never wear.  Man, Goodwill's gonna have a hay-day when I drop it all off.  I have too much junk.  Gosh. 

Cara bought herself a trailer and I'm so excited about it.  We went shopping yesterday to buy cool stuff like tiles for her kitchen bathroom and hallway floors and curtains for her walls.  Her trailer's so cute and I'm so happy for her.  I get to help fix it up, and once she's moved in I have permission to crash there anytime I want. 

Question:  How much trouble do you get in if you buy booze for people not yet 21?



"Only love can break your heart."  --Neil Young

[Kristen's version]
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.  The dreams in which I died were the best I ever had.